I highly suggest taking a final exam for a very difficult class at 8am, on an hour of crying, an hour of trying to figure out why you cried and then stopped and don't feel like doing it anymore, and two hours of sleep... with a hangover. It's interesting, to say the least, and even if you fail the exam at least you feel like you did a damn good job for the 24 hours before you find out your grade.
Now. On to the interesting, introspective part of the entry.
To find out that someone you like -
and first, let me explain here my thoughts on this. There are in the world, people that I love. People that I like. People that I fuck. People that I know. People that I am ambivalent toward. And people that I dislike. I don't really hate anyone; anyone worthy of hating, I usually simply try to understand. Hatred is bred in ignorance, and I loath ignorance. Now, most people fall into one, maybe two categories. The person I speak of now falls into three, perhaps four if you count my current ambivalent/observative feeling toward him at the moment. He also only sort of falls into the people-that-I-know category, however, knowing someone and knowing stuff about someone are two different things. However! Back to the point.
- has been using you as something like a nice squishy security blanket - slash - fuck buddy isn't really a totally great way to end an evening. I much prefer ending an evening with an orgasm, a cigarette, and maybe a shower, but hey. What can a girl do, oye?
Now the problem here is that I really did like him. In the somewhat crippling compare-other-people-to-him-and-find-them-lacking kind of way. I list the following reasons.
- He does not give two shits about what people think of him. I agree, however, he and I differ on one important aspect of this; I value my friends, and respect their opinions and feelings. I care what my friends, the people that I like and or love, think of me. Provided they have a good reason and aren't just in a crap-on-Sam kind of mood.
- He wears a collar. I do not think I need to stress the kink factor here, but my-oh-my. I am a sucker for the illusion of bondage. We all know this.
- He's a computer dork. Nuff said there, too, I think.
- He's smart. Not smart in the same way I am, but then, not a great many people are smart in the same way other people are. Smart in the manner of he doesn't try to talk about shit he doesn't know. The mark of a dumbass is that they stick their damn noses into business that they haven't got a fucking clue about. If he doesn't know it, he won't open his mouth.
- He has no alcohol tolerance whatsoever. I find this cute and amusing, considering he wouldn't admit that it's true.
- Tallness. We all know about this one too.
- The sex was good. I won't say it was the best I've ever had (wouldn't even if it was true, I'm not that honest) but it was good.
There are some other reasons as well that I've either forgotten or am too lazy to write about. However. It kind of hurts to know that he is more of a self-centered unfeeling bastard than I thought he was. I mean, consider the fact that I am a self-centered, cold, bitchy person. I am apparently not on his level (if I were, I would have already formulated a plan to fuck his world up, however, I don't do stupid pointless shit) and the fact that he is an extreme asshole hasn't really detracted from the fact that I really do like him as a person. We'll chalk it up to me being a complete masochist, maybe, and neglect to look any further into that aspect of it for fear of the psychological problems it may or may not hint toward. However. The entire conversation lost me my guilt re: fucking certain people, in relation to my relations with him, from earlier in the semester and from earlier in the week.
And let me say this one thing. His girlfriend, barring the circumstance that she's in the hospital/dead/etc, is a stupid fuck if she's just ignoring him. Regardless of whether or not he deserves me (which he doesn't, according to every single one of my friends that knows about the whole semester-long shenanigan and emotional rollercoaster ride on my part) he really doesn't deserve to have someone he claims to care about (if he cares about anyone besides himself, which is questionable) fuck him over like that. I mostly just feel bad. For him, because he must be pretty sad, and for me, because despite the fact that I sort of turned myself off re:him and am being coldly logical about the whole thing, it'll take a while before I find someone I like as much as I do him.
The weird thing is, I kind of want him to find out if his gf is ok. And not in the I-hope-she-hates-him kind of way, because that would just be even more sad. I just don't like the thought that someone you love/like/whatever is between them can just disappear. It makes me worry about Katii, Jay, Sam Y... everyone.. I do hope she's alright though. :/
Between my eggs and my pineapple, though, I decided that I'll be ok being friends with him. I don't think I can trust him, and I'm certainly not going to sleep with him again, however. He obviously needs friends, despite what he claims.
I also decided, on my walk back to the dorm, that despite the fact that in order to cope with difficult emotions I turn myself off, I won't ever be like that. There's too much bad in the world to stop loving people. Once you stop loving, I think maybe you die inside. But the optimist in me, of course, believes that you never, ever forget how to love people. So even if someone hurts me enough to make me cold inside, I'll always have at least a little bit more to give when I've healed.
... :) Not that I'm all cold inside now anyway. I've still got that hangover, and I feel all warm and sloshy inside. Tee hee.
Current Mood: 
introspective
Current Music: The A/C
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